What is the point of continuing on anymore, when it seems as if no one cares? I know that I want to be around and be social an whatever. But I think there is something wrong with me or something. People just don't like to hang out with me. Im the shadow that just tags along all the time when I am with friends. Maybe its just me being sensative or something, i don't know. I wish I did. I also wish I knew why I can't be loved for who I am. No one has ever really clicked with me, they all say that didn't see "fireworks" with me. Guess I am just destined to be a friend to all. That isn't so bad, right? Yeah right. Keep telling myself that! You know what though, that is the only thing that keeps me going. I have close friends, so I think anyways. But they are close in my heart and I love each and everyone to death. Just that kind of person. I always thought is was me pushing them away, but it is them that pushes me. I don't mean to be irresponsible or immature sometimes, just reminds me that I'm human. Its fun, ya know. I try not to be down all the time, its hard though.....Always putting on that fucking smile and pretending all is good in my life....Cuz I will be the first to say that its not. Its not as bad as others, I will say that much. I would just like something to go right and the way I want it to for once. Things seem as they seemed as I wanted them to be at one point....but life isn't the bowl of cherries I once imagined. There is only three things that I really want in life....My Health, My Love/happiness, and My financial Stability. I never thought too much to ask out of life. Apparently it is very very hard to achieve.
Im going to be quitting my job and work on getting a seasonal job. I hate the one im in now. Sit on my ass all day and basically do nothing! It sucks ass....I have to have something that pushes my mind with something. Not just saying "yes ma'am, no sir" and calling insurance companies. I can't even go to school with the schedule I am on. Which is something that is very important to me. Im not the brightest knife in the drawer, which I've been working on changin....So you see I do make an effort to change myself and better my life and well being. Just doesn't go anywhere.
Im not in the best of moods tonight if you already haven't noticed. but frankly I don't care. I haven't cared for a while now. I am a GREAT and WONDERFUL guy, fuck what everyone else has to chirp in. Why should i give a flying fuck if someone doesn't like the way I dress or the way I talk. If they have a problem with me then they can just FUCK off!! I don't need you to bring me down. I can do that just fine by myself. And for all of you that don't think that I am worthy of your love...well NEWSFLASH.... I don't need it...I Love myself, that is the only love that I need. I think I can be a great lover to someone. Im a hopeless romantic that loves unconditionally no matter what. I still love most of my Ex's. You see you don't lose love if you really had it, more just grows...I have a tremedously HUGE heart that I want and need to give to someone. I don't care if I get hurt in the end, so long as I was able to love someone and have them love me in return.
