Thursday, October 26, 2006

Lost in world of myself

This is my life, this is my place, this is my world. My world is seen like a glass wall, completely transparent. Passer-by's look in an glance at the dark, broken world of me. Most don't like what they don't see, can't blame them, neither do I. I try not to really notice that the life I am in is perfect and I wouldn't change a damn thing. That is not true though. There are many things I would try to change about, even though its not really something I can do and still stay me. At the same time, I would be a upgraded me. That wouldn't be so very bad. Not that the things I want to change are that bad or significant, well to others they are not that important, but to me they are.
I remember back to the days of being a child and wishing I could be some big star or powerful person in the world. I woke up everyday wanting to be what I wished for. What happened to those days of wanting something and trying to get it? Now I just think that everything I wish and want is an impossible dream. How sad is that? There are so many things that I aspired for while I was younger. Like being a all great trumpet player or a Pianist. I gave both those up years ago, knowing that I couldn't make anything of that. I wanted to be a great graphic designer after high school, make the world a beautiful place through my artwork. Yet again I set up another failure and lost that part of me too. I have this feeling that just being complacent is fine, but in reality that is not ok. I need to be something great. I have come to a relization that I am not that great in any one area of my life. I am only half-assed in most things I know. The average joe if you will. I am almost 30 years fucking old and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I have a pretty good idea, but the lack of passion holds me back. The lack of PASSION! Where in the Hell did that go? I want it back wherever it took off to!

You know what else just came to my mind? I haven't done anything with my life so far. I look back and see nothing that I can actually say I am proud of. What am I doing with my life, where am I going?

This is really starting to bug me can you tell. I want MORE! I need MORE! I have experiment with so much in my life and not really found something I am really good at. Everything is only half-assed ( I think I mentioned this earlier) All in all I really need to do some thinking about the what-ifs, what-nots, and why for's of life and start getting my ass out and about and doing something about this. The only problem that keeps coming up is, I don't know where to begin. Almost like being born again, except that a 175lb baby. LOL.

So I was laying awake almost all night the other night and was thinking how many of my guy friends that I haven't tried to sleep with or get into a relationship with. There are only two that I can think of over the last like 6 years! This is not a good thing , tells me that I can not have friends that are boys without wanted to have them as my boyfriend. That is really fucked up! The conundrum that I was confronted with before I went to sleep was that I want so badly to be in a relationship and yet I find them so hard. I get in and then push the one I love away from me. This is the biggest problem that I have and want so very badly to fix. I want to fix with this one special guy too. I will be honest right now and I know that I have fallen in Love. I know that right now at this time the love isn't reciprocated, but thats not a big deal for me. We are friends and I will always have his back no matter what and no matter where he is. Considering the fact that Im not so sure excatly where he is right now. Maybe Cali again or SLC, I'll have to call him to find out. I just know that I am in love with him and will not let him go out of my life. Not again will I let this happen to me. I honestly hope he reads this so that he knows excatly how I feel about him and that he knows that his home will always be in my heart. Some folk would call this an infatuation with someone, but I say differently. When someone is always, and I mean always, on your mind day and night. The only thing you can think about. Then I know its love.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Ok, so Im going to post twice

I don't care what you all think....HAHAHA just kidding babes! God if you didn't know that I was then you need to get to know me better. I tend to joke alot, and I mean ALOT! The more I like you the more I will tease you. Some folks don't understand this, they are all like "what a fcuking bitch" I just laugh and get them to laugh too. Its funny how life is sometimes ya know. For example, I was planning on going up to Park City and now I am not. I don't know the big reason why I didn't, just didn't. I think a big part what the sexy ass mofo from the previous post. :) But SSSHHHHH Don't tell anyone...Kayz. hehehe Im such a crack head

Oh yes...I am covering for my mom at her working. HA I am working again. LOL kinda sorta in a small fashion. Well Im going to try to take her place here if she does move to NV. Which I kind of really hope will happen so she can be happy again. I think she would be happy there and well just happy getting the fuck outta Utah. I once thought that as well, but this place grew on me. The scenery is wonderful and you can't get the views from here anywhere else.

Im smiling right now like I haven't smiled in a long time. I only wish that I can keep this happiness I have right now. Maybe I will be able to be happy again, right now I would really like that. A good strong guy by my side enjoying life, a nice puppy, yada yada yada.

It has been a while my friend {editted}

Yes it has, been to long that is. HA Not that things are really much different within the last week than the previous. Except that I do have this huge crush on my friends roomate (former as of next week) His name is Paul and is completely fucking adorable.





Now tell me that he isn't hot as hell and cute as a bug. Well I don't care what you think, cuz I do. I have been trying to tell him indirectly that I like him, but that doesn't seem to be working out to well. Of course we don't really know each other that well yet. We've hung out like once for something like an hour, Then we all went to bed. But then again, knowing my luck with guys....I would screw it up. Hell I don't even know if he likes me or not. Guess I should just break outta my little turtle shell here and say "what the fuck, why not.... Paul, I like you, lets date"

I just blushed while I wrote that. I can't do that....I am way way to shy. That an there are a few others, I won't mention names here, that don't really like him for some reason and told me this. Also was trying to get me to not like him as well and not like him. I can't help the feelings that I have for someone!

I will be damned if someone else is going to tell me who and who not to like as well. They just haters! hehehe.

Monday, October 16, 2006

One Great Weekend

so I just have to say that this last weekend was great for me. I had several friends from Salt Lake come down on their way to Mexico. Dustin, Ely, Ian, and Megan were here. My wonderful weekend started on Thursay when they all got here in the early evening. We all got so drunk, except Dustin. It was really fun and great. I drank so much that I mostly blacked out and still don't know most of what happened that night. Mostly the important things I remember, hehe like drinking almost all of the jello shots that I made. Noone else really wanted them and I couldn't see to have them wasted or any stupid shit like that. The next day Dustin, Ely and Megan took off down to mexico so some "business" could be taken care of there. Anyways, this isn't go to a explanation of what the fuck all happened, but there are some things that I need to say and get off my chest and whatever.

Ok so while they were here, Ian realized finally that we couldn't ever be where he wanted us to be. I have been trying to say this for years now, and the only way that I could do it was to tell him that i wanted to get together with him and let him know what is was like to "be" with me. Then it didn't take him very long to realize that I am not a good person in relationships and that I wasn't going to be the man of his dreams and give him what he needed/wanted. Last night he cried most of the night while I explained all this to him and we finally came to the conclusion that yes, we are friends and that is the way it will be forever. Some things are just better this way. I know this because I know who I am and what I am capable of.

There is another thing that I have to get out here. I have this crush on someone that I know I can't have, or at least think I can't. To me I feel he is great in every aspect that I know and what I want out of someone. Yes there are a few shortcomings, but good hell, who doesn't have them. If you said you didn't, I'd call your bullshit to your face and tell you that your full of shit. :) But, back to what I was talking about... I tried to tell him while he was visiting me, but never really was able to get a one on one chance to be with him. That is probable my fault and should have just taken that first step, grabbed him aside and talked with him. Its wierd that I can talk like that, but in reality I wouldn't have the balls to actually do that. Im crazy like that. Oh, almost forgot about this, I did text him via a friends cell phone (I didn't have his number) and told the other friend to pass on what I said. I don't think that happened, but I can't be sure about that either. I really like this boy, a lot! More than I've liked anyother before. Of course that tends to be said about one before that I have moved along on.

Now that they are gone....I feel alone again. There is a blankness in me that, to be honest, i doubt will ever be filled again. Sometimes the feeling that I get is this....My heart and soul are like a giant blackhole, taking in everything around it into nothingness. It will take and take but not give back. A void if you will. I have let myself down to the point of not caring anymore. This gets me into trouble with people and things. I am likened unto a heartless. A hopeless romantic that knows what I need will never happen again like it has before. The love I have can not be replicated and it will be a grace of god to have this repaired or given back to me. My mind and soul have become the one thing I never wanted to become.

This is the bottom...
Sinking into the crevices within
slowly stangulating my breath
I look into the mirror to find someone I once knew
only to have a stranger looking back at me

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

found this, thought it was cool

The night is better than the sun

So, I got over the whole stupid little drama thing that was a corn cob up my ass a few days ago. YAY! I just kinda flipped out there for a bit. HAHA Sooooo I did get some nut-fucking fabulous news the other day, I got the job at Deer Valley Resort in Park City. Can't remember if i mentioned that or not in my previous post... OH WELL! HA take that you sour cum guzzling gutter whore! ehehe. I am still a little salty about things. BUT hey...I can't have the sweet wit out the salt, right, right, oh come on now...RIGHT! I will be leaving right around the 13 of Nov. Not sure just when yet though.

Oh I did my hair today...what do you think....


Pretty fuckin cool huh? yeah i know i'd fcuk myself too...hehehe J/K

Thursday, October 05, 2006

My how Life is so ironic....

So...Life is just grand this week. I wasn't able to get the "affordable" car that I desperately needed so that I can go out and about to get a job. My BF Ian decided that he wasn't able to handle school and me at the same time, so he broke up with me tonight. And to top off everything i have fucking strep throat! Im not going to bitch about things, cuz I've been doing so well at not doing that anymore, but you know what. FUCK THIS! 3.5 years Ian has waited for me to date him again and then just one night he decides that he can't handle both at the same time. oh well though, guess it wasn't supposed to happen. Guess now I can go an still be fucking single again, since it was so damn fun the first time around. Yeah anyways.....im done