Lost in world of myself
This is my life, this is my place, this is my world. My world is seen like a glass wall, completely transparent. Passer-by's look in an glance at the dark, broken world of me. Most don't like what they don't see, can't blame them, neither do I. I try not to really notice that the life I am in is perfect and I wouldn't change a damn thing. That is not true though. There are many things I would try to change about, even though its not really something I can do and still stay me. At the same time, I would be a upgraded me. That wouldn't be so very bad. Not that the things I want to change are that bad or significant, well to others they are not that important, but to me they are.
I remember back to the days of being a child and wishing I could be some big star or powerful person in the world. I woke up everyday wanting to be what I wished for. What happened to those days of wanting something and trying to get it? Now I just think that everything I wish and want is an impossible dream. How sad is that? There are so many things that I aspired for while I was younger. Like being a all great trumpet player or a Pianist. I gave both those up years ago, knowing that I couldn't make anything of that. I wanted to be a great graphic designer after high school, make the world a beautiful place through my artwork. Yet again I set up another failure and lost that part of me too. I have this feeling that just being complacent is fine, but in reality that is not ok. I need to be something great. I have come to a relization that I am not that great in any one area of my life. I am only half-assed in most things I know. The average joe if you will. I am almost 30 years fucking old and I still don't know what I want to do with my life. I have a pretty good idea, but the lack of passion holds me back. The lack of PASSION! Where in the Hell did that go? I want it back wherever it took off to!
You know what else just came to my mind? I haven't done anything with my life so far. I look back and see nothing that I can actually say I am proud of. What am I doing with my life, where am I going?
This is really starting to bug me can you tell. I want MORE! I need MORE! I have experiment with so much in my life and not really found something I am really good at. Everything is only half-assed ( I think I mentioned this earlier) All in all I really need to do some thinking about the what-ifs, what-nots, and why for's of life and start getting my ass out and about and doing something about this. The only problem that keeps coming up is, I don't know where to begin. Almost like being born again, except that a 175lb baby. LOL.
So I was laying awake almost all night the other night and was thinking how many of my guy friends that I haven't tried to sleep with or get into a relationship with. There are only two that I can think of over the last like 6 years! This is not a good thing , tells me that I can not have friends that are boys without wanted to have them as my boyfriend. That is really fucked up! The conundrum that I was confronted with before I went to sleep was that I want so badly to be in a relationship and yet I find them so hard. I get in and then push the one I love away from me. This is the biggest problem that I have and want so very badly to fix. I want to fix with this one special guy too. I will be honest right now and I know that I have fallen in Love. I know that right now at this time the love isn't reciprocated, but thats not a big deal for me. We are friends and I will always have his back no matter what and no matter where he is. Considering the fact that Im not so sure excatly where he is right now. Maybe Cali again or SLC, I'll have to call him to find out. I just know that I am in love with him and will not let him go out of my life. Not again will I let this happen to me. I honestly hope he reads this so that he knows excatly how I feel about him and that he knows that his home will always be in my heart. Some folk would call this an infatuation with someone, but I say differently. When someone is always, and I mean always, on your mind day and night. The only thing you can think about. Then I know its love.