One Great Weekend

so I just have to say that this last weekend was great for me. I had several friends from Salt Lake come down on their way to Mexico. Dustin, Ely, Ian, and Megan were here. My wonderful weekend started on Thursay when they all got here in the early evening. We all got so drunk, except Dustin. It was really fun and great. I drank so much that I mostly blacked out and still don't know most of what happened that night. Mostly the important things I remember, hehe like drinking almost all of the jello shots that I made. Noone else really wanted them and I couldn't see to have them wasted or any stupid shit like that. The next day Dustin, Ely and Megan took off down to mexico so some "business" could be taken care of there. Anyways, this isn't go to a explanation of what the fuck all happened, but there are some things that I need to say and get off my chest and whatever.

Ok so while they were here, Ian realized finally that we couldn't ever be where he wanted us to be. I have been trying to say this for years now, and the only way that I could do it was to tell him that i wanted to get together with him and let him know what is was like to "be" with me. Then it didn't take him very long to realize that I am not a good person in relationships and that I wasn't going to be the man of his dreams and give him what he needed/wanted. Last night he cried most of the night while I explained all this to him and we finally came to the conclusion that yes, we are friends and that is the way it will be forever. Some things are just better this way. I know this because I know who I am and what I am capable of.

There is another thing that I have to get out here. I have this crush on someone that I know I can't have, or at least think I can't. To me I feel he is great in every aspect that I know and what I want out of someone. Yes there are a few shortcomings, but good hell, who doesn't have them. If you said you didn't, I'd call your bullshit to your face and tell you that your full of shit. :) But, back to what I was talking about... I tried to tell him while he was visiting me, but never really was able to get a one on one chance to be with him. That is probable my fault and should have just taken that first step, grabbed him aside and talked with him. Its wierd that I can talk like that, but in reality I wouldn't have the balls to actually do that. Im crazy like that. Oh, almost forgot about this, I did text him via a friends cell phone (I didn't have his number) and told the other friend to pass on what I said. I don't think that happened, but I can't be sure about that either. I really like this boy, a lot! More than I've liked anyother before. Of course that tends to be said about one before that I have moved along on.

Now that they are gone....I feel alone again. There is a blankness in me that, to be honest, i doubt will ever be filled again. Sometimes the feeling that I get is this....My heart and soul are like a giant blackhole, taking in everything around it into nothingness. It will take and take but not give back. A void if you will. I have let myself down to the point of not caring anymore. This gets me into trouble with people and things. I am likened unto a heartless. A hopeless romantic that knows what I need will never happen again like it has before. The love I have can not be replicated and it will be a grace of god to have this repaired or given back to me. My mind and soul have become the one thing I never wanted to become.

This is the bottom...
Sinking into the crevices within
slowly stangulating my breath
I look into the mirror to find someone I once knew
only to have a stranger looking back at me